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Tunde Ajaja
Previous scientific studies have shown
that when people fall in love, it is akin to being ‘high’ on certain
drugs, because meeting someone special activates the same brain cells as
when one takes cocaine and other such substances. This good feeling,
sometimes, makes people rush into marriage, especially if one of the
couple had been under pressure to get married.
But it has often been said that good
communication and openness, among other factors, are essential
ingredients of a happy marriage, which explains why marriage counsellors
and psychologists always advise that intending couples need to discuss
certain things before marriage. And this goes beyond the questions new
acquaintances ask themselves.
The experts maintain that any
marriage-related issue that intending couples refuse to deal with before
marriage would wait for them after marriage.
Here are some of the issues experts
believe people need to talk about with their partners before they tie
the knot, not entirely because it must influence their decision, but to
manage expectations:
Any habit that makes the other person uncomfortable:
Given that no two human beings are the
same, whether in reasoning or character, the future of a relationship
lies partly on how both persons are able to accommodate each other’s
differences. Hence, intending couples should ask their partners anything
about their character they are not comfortable with, to see if there is
a reason for such behaviour or see if it could be moderated, so that
they could both dwell in an atmosphere devoid of rancour. This could
include dressing style, personal hygiene, pets, ability to forgive
easily or say sorry, etc. A psychologist, Dr. Andrea Bonior, said, “It’s
a good thing when we can be exposed to a perspective far different from
our own, but eventually, our own habits may remain what we’re most
comfortable with — and if our partner’s style continues to be quite
different, what used to be enticing may turn downright annoying. Are you
assuming that your partner will magically become a different person,
even in terms of something relatively small? Think again. And if you
choose to marry someone, you must choose to take them as they are, end
of story.”
How family finances would be shared:
According to Bonior, one of the things
that can readily cause friction in the home is how bills would be
shared, and this ranges from house rent, money for food items,
children’s school fees, money for parents’ upkeep, money for domestic
needs, etc. While some believe a man should be responsible for paying
all the bills in the house, as the head of the family, some believe the
wife should also take up some bills as long as she has the capacity and
some others believe the person with the higher income should volunteer
to do more. If this is not sorted out, experts say it is a potential
cause of conflict. “The more you talk about it, and the more honest you
are with yourselves and each other about what you bring to the table in
terms of your money attitudes and how they will be resolved, the better
foundation you build in your marriage,” she added.
Temperament:
People’s nature differs as it affects
their behaviour, how they react when angry, how easy it is for them to
move on when offended and how well they handle stress, which explains
why couples should talk about how they react in certain situations, more
so that people tend to change when under stress. She said, “Even more
important is how the two of you handle stress together; do you retreat
and isolate, or connect to resolve things as a team? In general, the
healthiest marriages have respectful and honest communication without
game-playing, passive-aggressiveness, personal attacks, or power trips.
Examine your styles of handling conflicts and see if there is room for
improvement.”
Thoughts on number of children and if gender matters:
This is one very important factor that
could easily cause unrest in a home. Experts advise that couples should
have an open, comprehensive discussion about how many children they want
to have and agree on whether the gender of the children would matter
and what would happen in case infertility issue comes up before they get
to the number they agree on. Without this discussion, there have been
instances where people, especially men, resort to extramarital affairs
to have the number of children they truly desire or to have a particular
gender. Bonior added, “If each of you vaguely imagines having two
children, that might sound like you’re perfectly compatible on that
score. But what if after one child, one of you absolutely wants to stop?
What happens if infertility is an issue – how hard will you continue to
try, and how do you feel about adoption? What happens if one person
still has the itch for more children after the second one? It’s
important to dig deeper.”
Exposure to drugs, alcohols and social media:
Not all persons can cope with a partner
that is given to drugs, or alcohol, especially if they don’t take. Thus,
it is important for couples to discuss beforehand if they can bear the
partner’s appetite for such substances, so as to avoid conflict, more so
that these substances are addictive. And for social media, whereby some
prefer to post every picture they take on the social media, while some
rarely do, citing privacy as their reason. Perhaps this is important
because a partner who posts everything personal on the social media
would likely post pictures of their children, which might not go down
well with the other partner.
When to involve third party:
Usually, in marriage, the golden rule is
that whatever transpires, including need for help or even conflict,
stays within the home. But, there are instances where innocently or out
of genuine concern people spill the beans, which could be to the chagrin
of the partner. Thus, to avoid issues, people should set some rules.
Bonior said, “Are you okay with a husband who asks his mother for
marital advice? There is no right answer about how much to share with
friends and family, but the more you are on the same page, the better
off and less blindsided you will be.”
Disposition towards in-laws:
In the African setting and in some other
climes, in-laws are almost an integral part of the home. Thus, people
are always advised to speak out on whatever reservations they have about
their partners’ family before they tie the knot, else it might pose
problem to the marriage, because it may not fade out. The solution might
be for the two families to talk about the issues.
How to share house chores:
In the past, this was hardly an issue of
discourse, as women were traditionally expected to do most of the
chores at home, but things have changed. Thus, intending couples are
advised to deliberate on how to share the chores at home so as to avoid
incessant quarrels and expectations that may never be met. Bonior said,
“Unfortunately, even couples who have a comfortable division of
responsibility pre-marriage can often be thrown into resentful conflicts
once circumstances change: the addition of a baby, a change in a
partner’s job or commute, or a bigger house with new types of
maintenance needed.” Thus, there is need to talk about this issue.
Closeness to opposite sex:
The nature of one’s job could influence
how much one would mingle with persons of the opposite sex. Thus, people
are often advised to agree on what they would not be able to bear, such
as taking out a colleague of the opposite sex for lunch. Bonior added,
“Every couple must define for themselves what they are or are not
comfortable with. And the more you pretend that it will all magically
work out even when there are differences, the more you set yourself up
for feeling betrayed.
Expectations or preference about sex:
No doubt, religious teachings advise
that people should shun premarital sex, but one question intending
couples could ask each other, without having slept together, is if the
other person likes sex and how often they would wish to have it when
married. This would help to balance each other’s expectations and help
them to know what to expect.